


Rey and her Bad Brain Day

by Anonymous



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Coping, F/M, Friendship, Intrusive Thoughts, References to Depression, Rey Needs A Hug (Star Wars), Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29434245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Rey is having a bad day.  Nothing bad has happened, but the intrusive thoughts are winning today.  Neighbor Ben notices that something isn't right today.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 48
Collections: anonymous





	Rey and her Bad Brain Day

**Author's Note:**

> Feeling sad like Rey might delete later, going to live vicariously through her for a bit.

It was another one of those days. She hadn’t had one in a long time, where the tears came in curtains rather than fat grief-stricken droplets or light pricks of annoyance. Every time she thought she was done they’d start back up after every pause, after every rationalization to help her calm herself. Her thoughts were a slow rocking rhythm of what if’s and internal beratements of recent mistakes. 

She just felt so lonely. It wasn’t a new feeling. It was a creeping one that lurked in corners and behind doors coming for her at in opportune times. Moments when she was in a crowded room and feeling like she didn’t’ fit, moments laying in her bed after a few nights of poor sleep, or fuckups she made because sometimes she was just too stuck in her head to be fully aware of herself. 

One question she frequently asked herself in times like this was “How long would it take someone to notice if I just disappeared?”

She didn’t want to harm herself. It was more a question of curiosity. Sure, she talked to people every day. She was in a group chat with Finn, Poe and Rose. They would notice eventually when she stopped answering. But it would take a day or two. She didn’t have family, no siblings or parents that would check in on her or drop by with a surprise cup of coffee. And her dating life had been abysmal, for a long time. Trapped in some endless loop of being afraid to connect to someone to have her heart ripped to shreds again and being too exhausted to start up a new relationship. 

Sometimes she felt like she gave and didn’t receive. Logically, she knew this wasn’t true. But sometimes in these dark moments she just noticed the inequity of everything. She tallied up the emotional output then tallied the input which, in moments like this never felt enough. Her friends could have stopped by with a cake and songs and she still would have found it inadequate to combat the sinking feeling she now felt. 

It would get better she told herself with a sigh, her shoulders relaxing with her soothing affirmation. It was true, it had passed long enough to make coffee, but it came back with a vengeance after. Now she was curled up in bed with BB, soaking in the warmth. She’d feel better, by noon she’d open the blinds, eat the leftover takeout in the fridge, and do enough house chores so she could come home from work tomorrow without a feeling of dread. She sunk further into the blankets and pillows, some movie she’d watched a million times playing in the background to stave off the loneliness. 

**

His thumb hovered over the text window again. He knew Rey must have been having a bad day. He saw her post on social media only for her to delete it just as quickly. He tried not to tell himself that he saw her lights on late at night. It was unlike her, she was an early to bed, early to rise type, as consistent as the tides. 

Her blinds weren’t open yet and he noticed that she got takeout three times this week. All pointing to something not being ok. He tried not to be nosey, but it was hard not to be when their apartments were next door to one another, and they shared the corner balcony. 

Her apartment was unusually still. Usually, she played music in the morning as the sounds of vacuuming and laundry drifted through the thin plaster walls. He found it annoying at first, but he’d grown used to the rhythm of her. Used to it enough that he had agreed to cat sit for her on multiple occasions and she had come over to water his plants on others. 

They weren’t quite _friends_ but they were more than neighbors, or at least his experience with neighbors. Now he sat there chewing on his cheek as he stared at the blinking cursor on his phone. 

He typed. Deleted. Tried again. Better, reword it. Send.

Rey was notorious for a quick text back, even if she was working. He knew she wasn’t working. He waited a while, an hour and seven minutes to be exact before her non-response began to gnaw at him. So, he began to pace his apartment. Walk to the door, walk back to the patio door, walk to the hallway door he put his hand on the knob before walking back to the patio door. He checked his phone, nothing. His stomach crawled with nerves and he walked to the front door, opened it, and before he could lose his nerve, he knocked on her door.

He didn’t hear movement and knocked again.

“Rey?” He called and finally he heard her shuffling footsteps as she got closer to the door. She opened it, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, her hair a mess, and BB cradled to her chest. 

“Yeah?” She asked, her eyes were puffy and bloodshot, and her lips were swollen. It was obvious she’d been crying. 

Internally he panicked, not knowing what he was supposed to do. Did he know her well enough to ask? 

“Would you want to watch a movie or something today?” He asked, floundering for a reason to have knocked on her door that didn’t indicate he’d been moderately creepy regarding his awareness of her habits.

“A movie?” She repeated her eyes widening in surprise. 

“Yeah. I was going to order pho from the place down the street.” He gestured. “Maybe rent something…” he added lamely. 

A gentle smile creeped across her mouth. 

**

The words tumbled out of her mouth without her permission.

“Yeah. That sounds good. Lemme shower though.” She cringed at herself when she admitted that out loud. 

“Yeah, sure. Um. Just stop by when you’re done.” His shoulders relaxed and he ran his hand along the back of his neck, she didn’t miss that he’d been nervous. 

“Ok. See you in a bit.” She said, shutting the door. The next steps were automatic, grab leggings and a sweater, shower, brush teeth, comb hair. It was automatic but she could feel herself feeling better. She was lost in her thoughts through the familiar motions of the day. Ben never knocked out of the blue, but it wasn’t out of the blue she didn’t miss the text he sent. 

**Neighbor Ben:** _It’s quiet over there today, are you okay?_

She didn’t answer it, she didn’t feel deserving of his attention. It was a tight wire walk between wanting someone’s love and affection and feeling like getting it made her vulnerable or needy. Ben noticed that something was wrong, and it made her want to hide under a rock. Made her hate herself a little more for being a bother. 

Taking a deep breath, she walked over to his apartment. 

“Hey he said softly.” Looking up from his laptop. 

“Hey.”

She took a seat on the opposite end of the overstuffed couch. 

He slid his laptop across the cushion. 

“Feel free to order whatever you want.” He said, he had the menu page open. She ordered the usual, not even having an appetite but maybe she’d feel better when it came. 

Her and Ben chose a movie, some period piece with lots of yellow. They were about half way through, their food containers long abandoned on the coffee table. 

“Is everything ok?” Ben asked quietly, his hands fidgeting in his lap, his eyes not leaving the tv.

She shrugged, her stomach forming knots at the question. 

“I guess. Nothing bad happened… just… a bad day.” She felt silly, it wasn’t that there was anything wrong… but her brain was very aware of everything that wasn’t right. Work was ok, but she felt like she was constantly failing, she had a nice place to live, nicer than anyplace she’d ever lived, but she felt like she didn’t belong. Her friends loved her but… sometimes she felt like a burden, somewhere between too much and not enough. And now Ben, sweet Ben who was always willing to watch her cat, or jump her car when the battery died, or sit on the balcony when that creepy maintenance guy came to fix her air conditioner. She didn’t ask him to do that, but he made his presence in her life known all the same. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He offered, the sheets of tears came again, and she wiped them on her sleeve. 

She shook her head, there wasn’t anything to talk about. Not really.

“It’s stupid. Bad brain day.” She mumbled.

“Ok.” 

“Is there anyway I can help?” 

She looked at him then, as if for the first time today. His brow was creased in concern and his lower lip was red from him chewing on it and she took a breath. She was seen. Ben saw her, cared enough to respond when she needed him to even though she didn’t ask. 

“Can I just… can I just sit next to you?” She asked, the tears coming back with a vengeance. 

Ben nodded and scooted closer, his arm on the back of the couch in invitation. 

She curled into him, her head on his shoulder and her feet tucked under her thighs. 

He was still for a moment before his arm wrapped around her, his other coming up to wrap her fully into a tight hug. His warmth seeped into her and she couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. 

He didn’t shoosh her, tell her that everything was going to be okay or some other pleasantry that her bitter heart didn’t want to hear. Just held her until the storm passed. He was unbothered with the increasingly damp condition of his sweater, or the fact that the long-abandoned movie was continuing without them. It made her feel like she was enough. Not too much and not inadequate, but enough just as she was. 


End file.
